Be Present & See

I’ve been in a funk for a long time. Probably depression but it comes and goes so sometimes I think it’s just the fatigue of living. Anyway, when you are in this state, everyone and everything look gray. No color, no life. Not that dissimilar to how my soul is currently. But, as a busy mom and caregiver, I don’t have the luxury of staying in bed all day. Tempting but not realistic. Chores ever beckon.

It was with this attitude that I made my weekly trek to the grocery store. Grocery shopping is a dreaded but necessary chore. If only I loved shopping for food as much as I love eating it, but I digress. I try to make it a quick trip – in and out in an hour, hopefully less. One of my daughters came along for the ride.

The experience proceeded as usual and then it came time for checkout. That last bit is always a crapshoot because you never know how the cashier is going to be, whether there will be a problem with a coupon or how long the whole process will take. I don’t have luck with self-serve kiosks, so in the checkout line we were.

Then I saw her. An elderly woman sitting in one of those walker/seats trying to engage in conversation with the young male cashier. I felt the inward groan as I knew this would not be a quick process. I could tell from his expression that he would much rather be somewhere else than helping out an old lady. But as the conversation wore on, I could see his demeanor soften. The woman reminded me of my dear, late mother-in-law, so I started to eavesdrop. She asked him if he was in school (he was not), what his career plans were (definitely not working in the checkout for the rest of his life), and other questions typical of polite conversations.

She seemed to be a lonely, grandmotherly type that could use some adult interaction and I felt my hard heart soften a wee bit. I started to become concerned that the woman, who could not stand very well on her own, would have great difficulty loading up her car and then unloading it all back home. I told my daughter to get ready to help her out. Then, I inserted myself into the conversation, asking her if she had help. The cashier, whose nametag I noticed read Cam, said he had requested help for her for the car loading. I saw how patient and kind he was with her as she asked about the store’s shopper club incentive and as she slowly unpeeled some cash to pay.

This interaction stood out to me because I have seen so many incidents of less-than-kind transactions – like when the cashier looks upset when a customer, especially an elderly customer, asks questions or has trouble using the credit card machine. I get frustrated myself when this happens – and it seems to happen all the time in front of me! I have noticed that most workers look like they have somewhere better to be than right where they are. People spend a lot of time focusing on the past or the future, but not in the present. I have been guilty of that myself. A lot.

But on this day, something made me focus on what was happening in the moment right in front of me. I became present.

I’d like to think it was God snapping his fingers in front of my face telling me to focus and pay attention because He’s teaching me something. Something about the goodness of people. Something about the existence of kindness in a harsh world.

I needed this lesson for I have a general and profound distrust of people. Considering what I do for a living, this may come as news to many. But, my wounded, traumatized, and introverted self finds it hard to trust people. I’ve been burnt so many times.

Yet, God asked me to see…one more time. There are good people, so perhaps I’m not looking hard enough. Maybe I’m being asked to give others another chance, like God has given us all second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances.

Maybe the real gift of Christmas is presence. Presence to see that good does exist. It is just a broken world that hides it.